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I know what I want to be for Halloween. I’m going to go as Perfect Mom. It’s the best costume, and the only day of the year I can dress up as somebody I could never be. Surely Party City carries this costume, right?
Party City doesn’t carry Perfect Mom. Which is weird, because it’s got all the costumes that make up Perfect Mom – Wonder Woman, Mrs. Incredible, Sassy Maid, Fortune Teller, Shakedown Sheriff, Dazzling Ringmaster, Renaissance Maiden and Divine Goddess.
Oh well. The homemade costumes are the best anyway. I’m gonna start with a pantsuit. Pantsuits say working mom and stay-at-home mom (when you take off the jacket and heels). It also covers PTA meetings, teacher conferences, a committee meeting at the church, and a Moms at Work luncheon. It’s pretty versatile.
Paired with an Aerosole wedge, I can walk, run and climb over fences to get the soccer ball. I don’t need a belt, but I think Perfect Mom wears one in case she has to lasso a pet, administer a tourniquet or pull a child out of well.
My sensible sturdy purse will have everything Perfect Mom needs in a day. Which is a credit card, quarters, hand sanitizer, Tylenol and a smart phone with contact numbers for anyone I would ever need to call in this life. And their email address. And their birthday, Perfect Mom always knows everybody’s birthday.
Add to that a first aid kit, goldfish crackers, a juice box and a list of answers to every question ever. The sharpened pencil we can never find during homework. The school calendar, the practice schedules and a pickle jar, to show that I can open anything. And all my children’s hopes and dreams so that I can produce them at a moment’s notice.
My hair, I’m gonna cut, color and coif. And I’ll need to tape my eyebrows up a bit, so I have that happy-surprised-excited look. All the time. Probably need to pluck them first. Little Vaseline on the teeth to give them that shine and a little sparkle. On second thought, I’ll probably need to go easy on that eyebrow tape, because I’ll need to wink, Perfect Mom always winks.
I’ll get a manicure and a pedicure and a trainer so I’ll look good. I’ll eat salmon and kale and blueberries so I’ll feel good. And then in one hand I’ll have a birthday cake I baked from scratch. And in the other, a framed picture of my family. That I needlepointed.
And then I’ll walk the neighborhood singing the soundtrack from “Frozen.” While all the other moms beg me to tell them how I crafted that piñata made out of leftover candy last year. And thank me for the Tylenol.
I don’t know, maybe I’ll just get the Wonder Woman costume. It’s just one piece.
And then I can wear the cool boots.
